(ORIGINALLY POSTED IN OCTOBER 2014)
I sat in my surgeon’s office the other day in a very unattractive paper gown, waiting for my exam. As I sat there in the room alone, I absentmindedly started singing the lyrics to “Withholding Nothing” – a worship song we did this weekend at church. As I sang it, I realized I was singing words that are the anthem to what I’m currently walking through.
I surrender all to You, everything I give to You
Withholding nothing, withholding nothing
I give myself away, I give myself away so You can use me
I give You all of me, I give You all of me
Withholding nothing, withholding nothing
I started to tear up because in this cancer journey, I have no choice but to surrender certain things to Him - because I want to live. I have to surrender myself to chemo, to feeling terrible, to surgery and to a loss in my own body that is a central part of being a woman. Yet in my mind and heart I can choose to hold back my trust, my faith in Him and my acceptance of the trials in my life. I can choose to become bitter and angry – or I can choose life and healing not only in my body but in my mind and heart.
Today I talked to my surgeon about surgery options, outcomes and what each type of surgery would entail. Lumpectomy, single mastectomy, bi-lateral mastectomy, clear margins, reconstruction, plastic surgery, symmetry…so many words and things to think about that it makes my head spin sometimes. When I first began this journey, those words were unthinkable to me. They were foreign and scary and I avoided thinking about them at all because I couldn’t get past the words “You have cancer.” Now, after walking this out for over 4 months, I have entered a level of acceptance and giving myself over to what God has put in my path. I can talk about and think about these new mountains to cross without being held in the grip of total fear. It’s been a process though. Even now, I still look at myself in the mirror and say out loud, “I have breast cancer” because there’s a part of my brain that still doesn’t quite compute with that reality. I’m bald as a cue ball, have lost almost all the hair on my body (which is pretty awesome, I must say!), and am experiencing a ton of crazy symptoms. I’m now losing my toenails (so gross!)…a side effect of one of the chemo drugs, so needless to say, I’m thanking God for boot season! ;-) I’m losing more and more of my eyebrows and eyelashes so I may be sportin’ some huge, Jan Crouch TBN lashes soon. Ha! I’m also tearing up all the time because the drugs dry out your eyes and make them overproduce tears. So…though I’m a crier, I’m not always as emotional as I appear to be. J All these things are part of what’s happening TO me but I am in control of what happens IN me. I can choose to say, “I hate you God! I hate you for allowing this!” and become enraged and possessive of myself. Or I can choose to say, “Yes Lord. I withholding nothing from You because I belong to You. I am not my own.”
In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20a it says: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price...”
We are not our own. We belong to Him. So whether it’s going through cancer, a divorce, loss of a child, loss of a job, depression, addiction, fear….we were bought with a price that’s already paid in full for all we endure here on earth. Jesus withheld nothing from us. He gave everything for us. So why should I withhold anything from Him? Even when it is terrifying. The thought of my upcoming surgery is scary and sad in many ways, but I am trusting Him and stepping forward into the great unknown because He is already there. I want to learn more and more to not withhold anything from Him so that there is no part of my life He doesn’t have access to change, transform and renew.
Romans 8:32 says: “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”
Don’t hold back. Give Him ALL of who you are – mind, body and spirit. He has given us the greatest gift and promises even more. What a GREAT God we serve!!!
Count it all joy! (James 1:2-3)
- Debi