ORIGINALLY POSTED IN JULY 2014
Okay people, we hear all the time how bad cancer is, that chemotherapy is really hard…blah, blah, blahbeddy blahhhh. Borrrrr-innnng. How about we talk about some cancer perks? Yeah, I knew you were on board. I’ve compiled a list. These are things I will actually miss once I’m cancer free, so I’m milking them for all they’re worth.
1. Tons of money saved on shampoo, conditioner and, if you live in the south, enough hairspray conservation to single-handedly save the ozone layer.
2. Money saved on trips to the stylist = what else? More money for SHOES!
3. Chemo means ALL your hair falls out so that means sending your razor on a several month long vacation to the “Baldives Islands”. (Another perk is people have to laugh at your dumb cancer jokes because…you have cancer.)
4. “Chemo brain” is when you have difficulty concentrating or keeping track of things. Well, that is me ANY day of the week but now I finally have something to blame it on. It can also cause you to lose a thought right in the middle of a senten………. (ummmm…what the heck was I talking about?)
5. Wigs. Your inner Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce or Farrah Fawcett can be fully realized. Oh yes….turn on the slo-mo fan and let that huge synthetic mane fly!
6. The cool sound that comes from smacking your bald head. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s satisfying in a weird, people-think-you-need-medication kind of way.
7. After breaking out like a pre-pubescent teen on meth – voila! Super-dee-duper-dee clear skin!
8. Chemo fatigue = the best way to blame falling asleep mid-conversation with someone boring you to tears.
9. Chemo fatigue must be mentioned twice because it is good for so many things. It’s the perfect excuse to not go to the gym, to use the elevator instead of taking the stairs, to take a 3 hour nap, or just to lay on the couch all day and watch the “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” marathon.
10. You can now cry whenever you want to for whatever reason and blame it on the chemo. I mean come on, PMS deserves a break once in a while.
11. Since you have no hair to wash or style, getting ready to leave the house is easy. However, you will now be late to everything because you’ll hit your snooze button at least 3 extra times. But hey, you have cancer.
12. On treatment days can I just say one word? BENADRYL. The best sleep you’ll ever get and the loopiest you’ll ever feel, all contained in one beautiful IV bag. I’m thinking of asking for a couple bags to take home next time.
13. And the very best part? THE CANCER CARD. You can pull this out for literally ANYTHING. Suggestions:
a. I can’t possibly come to your child’s Renaissance recorder concert because…I have cancer.
b. Man, I would really LOVE to help you move but darnit…I have cancer.
c. You want me to come watch home videos of your family reunion? I’d totally be into it if only I didn’t have cancer.
d. Pretty much anything can be shut down with those three magical little words. If I use it on you, you can’t say anything back to me because, well, after all…………………..….I have cancer.
Count it all joy! (James 1:2-3)
- Debi