(ORIGINALLY POSTED IN JANUARY 2016)
When I was first being tested for breast cancer last May, I had gone in for a mammogram and did not think it would be anything serious. I sensed concern from the technician and once the on-site doctor looked over the results, he immediately sent me over for a sonogram. When they finished, the tech left the room and quickly returned to hand me the phone with my primary care doctor on the other end of the line. She said my results were suspicious and she was going to refer me to a surgeon. I was seized with fear. As I went back out to the lobby, I began to quietly panic. Did I have cancer? Had I waited too long to get checked? Was I going to die? Oh God, oh God, oh God…what’s going to happen to me?! The Lord prompted me to open up my Bible app and the verse of the day was Isaiah 53:5 “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” The punishment that brought us peace – wow. How had I always missed that part? Right then, the Lord spoke to my spirit as clear as a bell, “DO. NOT. FEAR.”
As weeks and months went by, I saw God’s peace blossom like petals of a flower, one at a time, unfolding as each of my fears and needs came to the surface. It was just what I needed in each moment. As soon as my flesh rose up, He would calm me. When there was a spot on my liver after a CT scan, I worried that cancer had spread to other parts of my body. He assured me it was okay and centered my focus back on Him. Even before I had the results that my liver was fine, I had surrendered my spirit to His peace that passes all understanding. By the time I got the results, I was already okay and the news just confirmed what He’d said to me – DO. NOT. FEAR.
Now, as I’m rounding the last corner of my Cancer journey with a clear MRI, chemo and surgery behind me and nearly half of my radiation completed, I thought I was free and clear. I was beginning to chill out and “put my feet up” so to speak. I was finally over all the major trials! However, you know God is always about stretching us to a new area of trust and faith…a continual journey He lovingly has us on. Next to initially wondering if I would survive Cancer, my greatest fear this past year was what if I didn’t have health insurance? The thought of that terrified me. With astronomical costs associated with Cancer treatments, I thought the most scary thing in the world would be to go through this without insurance, having to deal with mountains of debt I could never pay off and having all the hospitals and doctors offices coming after me. I was so thankful I had insurance and the provision to pay for it. In December, money was tight, my health insurance lapsed and I was cancelled. When I received the letter from my insurance company, I nearly had a panic attack. I went into full fear mode. I cried my eyes out and ended up having nightmares during the little amount of sleep I managed to get that night. Since then, it has been an endless series of phone calls, letters, discussions with hospital administrators and insurance companies and a lot of lost time dealing with it all. The pressure coming from every angle as offices realized I had no insurance has been unreal. I had no idea the stress and fear that could grip you so completely like it has having no health insurance during a major health crisis. I’d like to say that after all the ways God has proven His covering over me through miracles and provision this past year that I was perfectly peaceful when this new trial came up. Ummm, yeah…not so much. I actually laid on the hardwood floor one night and sobbed until I was lying in a huge puddle of my own tears and snot. Lovely, huh? But you know, God KNEW I was going to need Him to pick me up off the floor that night. His peace was ready to take over once I surrendered to it. He has allowed me to walk through one of my greatest fears to prove to me that He will take care of me. He’s taking me to yet another level of trust and faith. I am still in the middle of it all but after first walking through my own unbelief and fear, He has once again calmed me with the peace that was bought and given to me through the punishment He endured on my behalf. It has been a battle to get to this place but once again I’m in a place of trust and rest. I know He will have the last word in everything concerning my health insurance because He’s able and He’s given me every reason to trust Him. What is it today you are most fearful of? Write it down. And then on top of that, write His words in a big ol’ Sharpie marker:
DO. NOT. FEAR.
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Count it all joy! (James 1:2-3)
- Debi